God was looking down on earth one day and decided that things were not getting any better. In fact they were getting worse each day. He said to himself that it was time to start over with a new batch who might be able to do better than this bunch of humans are doing.
So he calls up three men, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Micelle Gorbachev. He decides that these are the three best media to get his message across. He tells them that he is disappointed at mankind as it is, and that he is going to destroy the world in thirty days. He tells them to go back to earth and give everyone the message.
Bill Clinton calls a press conference and says I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that our belief in God is true, I met with him this morning. However, the bad news is he is going to destroy the world in 30 days.
Micelle Gorbachev calls a press conference and says he has some bad news and some really bad news. First the bad news. Our denial  of god is not true. There is a god and I met with him this morning. However, the really bad news is he is going to destroy the world in 30 days.
Bill Gates comes back to earth and calls a managers meeting. He says I have some good news and some really good news. First the good news. Our  belief in god is founded, I had a chat with him this morning. The really good news is we will be able to stop releasing security patches for Windows XP in 30 days.

A drunk was staggering back from the pub one day, when he came across a baptism taking place in the river. He wanted a closer look and hazily  staggered right up to the river bank. The preacher saw him and seeing the inebriated state he was in decided to save his soul. He grabbed the drunk, plunging him head first into the icy water and praying in a loud voice. He lifts the drunks head and says, "Now brother…...Have you found the Lord this day?" "No!" Replies the drunk. The preacher, taken aback, plunges the drunk under the icy water again. After a time, he lifts the drunks head out of the water, and asks again in a louder voice if he has found the lord this day! To his horror the drunk again says No. Outraged the preacher puts him under the water for a third time and holds him there for a good minute or so. He then drags the drunk out of the river and shouts, "Now my fallen and unredeemed brother……..For the love of god have you found the lord this day?" The drunk replies, "No, are you sure that this is where he fell in?"

Why do Jews have big noses?……………...Because the air is free.

Jock loves the race track. One day he is losing his shirt when he noticed this priest had stepped out on the track, blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the fourth race, then stepped back behind the rail.
Lo and behold, this horse, a very long shot won the race. Jack was most interested to see what the priest did on the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the fifth race horses lined up. The priest then placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses and then slipped back behind the rail. Jack took notice of the horse's number and made a beeline for the betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot , the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Jack collected his winnings and anxiously waited, to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the sixth race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Jack bet on it and it won! Jack was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses and it always came in first. Jack began to pull in some serious money. By the last race, Jack new that his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned and he waited for the priests blessing to tell him which horse to bet on. Sure enough, the priest  stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Jack placed his bet, every last dime and watched the horse come in dead last…… Jack was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded. "What happened father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race you blessed a horse and he lost. I've lost my life savings now thanks to you!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the trouble with you protestants. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites!"

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says, "I would like to get you guys in now, but our computers are down. You will have to go back to earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring high above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says Saint Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a second and asks, "Will any of this week 'Count' St Peter?" "No, I told you the computer is down. There is no way in which we can keep track of what you are doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a Stud!" "So be it," says Saint Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells Saint Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asks. "The first one should be easy," says Saint Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies flying as an eagle. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asked the Lord. "He's on a snow tyre somewhere in North Dakota."

A drunk staggers into a church, sits down in the confessional and says nothing. The priest coughs, still nothing, so the priest knocks on the wall three times to get his attention. The drunk finally speaks up, saying, "There's no use knocking mate, there's no paper in this one either!"