A man works into a bar. The Barman says, "You have a steering wheel sticking out of your fly." "I know," says the man, "Its driving me nuts."

A man walks in to a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise a voice comes from the bowl of peanuts. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic…..and that After Shave is just wonderful!" The man is obviously confused but tries to ignore it.
Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarettes machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine, "You cad… You skunk….Oh my god you stink!!!….Do you know that you are almost as ugly as your mother?"
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation. "Ah yes sir," the bartender responds. "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walk into a bar one day and sit down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said.  "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said. "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rush outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was feeling a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said. "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said. "Sure Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces. "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him. "Nothing much, I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the Brewery Presidents thought it would be fun to hit a pub in London and have a beer. The first sits down and says. "Hey Bartender, I would like the worlds best beer a Corona." The Bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The next President says, "I'll have the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of all Beers' one Budweiser please' so the bartender gives him one.
Another President says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water. "Give me a Coors please." So the Bartender hands him one.
The President of Guinness sits down and orders a coke. The Bartender is taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other Presidents look at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking Guinness?"
To which the Guinness President replies, "If you guys aren't drinking BEER then neither am I!"

A  baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks. "What will you have?" And the baby seal replies. "Anything but a Canadian Club!"

A man walks into a bar swinging a set of jumper leads above his head. The bartender looks over and says. "You're not going to Start anything in here mate!"

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he has just been run over by a bus. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean the bartender.
"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight!" says Paddy.
"That LITTLE fella, O'Connor? Says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licking he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself! Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," says Paddy. "Mrs O'Connor, and a thing of beauty she is, but useless in a fight!"

One night a policeman was stalking out a particular rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat, fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his car and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated decoy!"

What do American beer and Rowing boats have in common?
They are both close to water!

When I read about the evils of drinking………..I gave up reading

A little man walked into a bar and slipped on a pile of dog poo by the door. Moments later, a burly biker comes in and slips on it as well. The little man said, "I just did that." So the biker hit him.