Three men are travelling in the Amazon together, a Canadian, an American and a Mexican. They get captured by a fierce Tribe of Amazons.
The Tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Canadian, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The Canadian responds, "I'll take oil!"
So they put oil on his back and a large Amazon whips him 12 times.
When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back and cannot stand up.
The Amazons haul the Canadian away and says to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing! I will take my punishment like a real man!" says the Mexican and he boldly stands there and takes his twelve lashings without a single flinch.
Finally it's the yanks turn and the tribal chief asks, "What do you want on your back?"
The Yank says, "I'll take the Mexican!"

A middle age guy is out with his wife to celebrate her 40th Birthday.
He says, " So what would you like Darling? A Jaguar Car? A Diamond Necklace? A Sable Coat?"
She says, "I want a divorce!"
To this he replies in shock, "I wasn't planning to spend that much!"

Sitting at a table in the club house after a game, Joe says to a fellow club member, "I'm not going to play golf with Jim Brown any more. He Cheats!"
"Why do you say that?"
"He found his lost ball two feet from the green"
"That's possible"
"Not when I had it in my pocket!"

A man is walking down the street when he is accosted by a particularly dirty and  shabby looking homeless guy, who asks him for a couple of quid for dinner. The man takes his wallet out and gets a £10 note out. He says, "If I give you this money will you use it to buy beer instead of food?" "The homeless guy replies, "No. I had to stop drinking years ago."  "Then will you use it to gamble with, instead of buying food?" asks the man. "No! I don't gamble, I need everything I can get just to stay alive," says the homeless man.  "Will you spend it on green fees at the golf club instead of buying food?" asks the man. "Are you NUTS? I have not played golf in over 25 years," says the homeless guy. "Then would you spend it on a woman in the red light district instead on buying food?" "What disease would I get for 10 lousy quid?" says the homeless guy. "Well," says the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. I am going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless guy is astounded and says, Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell bad too." The man replies, "That's ok. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up drinking, gambling, golfing and sex!"

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather…………...Not screaming in TERROR like his passengers.